Part-time soul mate full time problem
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When will I be given a treasure map by a stranger shortly before he dies, only to then be chased out of my home by pirates, then when hiring a ship to find the treasure, unknowingly hire that pirate crew, the captain of which takes a liking to me and in the long journey slowly becomes the father figure I am in need of at that time, and even after the pirates mutiny, he would still rather save me than secure the treasure for himself?
Because I sure would like that to happen soon.
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It is 1880s America, you are about to spawn as a Historically Significant White Guy. Choose a class:
TROUBLEMAKING FRONTIER PREACHER
- Special Power: Good Christian. Your vague adherence to American protestantism will ensure that law enforcement does not bother you whatsoever.
- Victory condition: Fuck enough of your followers wives to start an inbred theofascist micronation.
MANICALLY AMBITIOUS CON ARTIST
- Special Power: Basic Literacy. You’re poor, but you know how to read. They’ll never expect it. You may forge literally any document and it will be believed 100% of the time.
- Victory Condition: Steal enough money to fuck off to Latin America. A Spanish speaking nation might as well be the moon to your debtors.
EUROPEAN NOBLE FAILSON
- Special Power: Colonial Wealth. Your funny accent, foppish dress, and noble title, will make any American think you are totally good to buy it on credit.
- Victory Condition: Become the boytoy to the wife of some borderline-gangster politician and save up enough political capital to run for office and get addicted to opium.
DOOMED FRONTIER EXPLORER
- Special Power: How The Fuck Are You Alive. Your freakish diet of pork, whiskey, and maple syrup, makes you entirely immune to all physical injury and disease. Somehow.
- Victory Condition: You have one mission, and one mission only. You need to piss off some completely friendly natives. You need to piss them off so bad they leave your stupid ass to starve in a food forest they’ve been cultivating for literally thousands of years.
(via sydmarch)
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unknown1
crying. why do they look like this
(via knuckle-cluster)
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Reblog if you love “family dinner time.”
You’re a bitch because you don’t have this url
(via super-lazer-piss)
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Did you know that leeches were once used to predict storms? Well, a tornado warning just dropped and my squad is climbing
My dad is a meteorologist and he has never once warned me about an incoming storm. My leeches, however……
*urgently* Lads, the leechometre is at 12 bong, I repeat, 12 bong!
“tempest prognosticator” absolutely sounds like some kind of arcane device a wizard would have lying around in his workshop
It would also probably have leeches in it.
(via 3hobbitsinatrenchcoat)
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not the twitter migrants putting “reblog heavy” in their bios on here… like yeah. that’s what we do here
ALTreblog heavy
(via knuckle-cluster)
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